Vulnerability

I hate feeling vulnerable. That’s why most of the time (except for with my friends) I seem cold like slurpies giving someone a brain freeze on the outside. I let my guard down once I get to know someone but never completely off guard (except for with a very few close friends). It’s not a personality issue because if I wanted to I can talk to anyone out of the blue and have a great time. This pretentious superficial front that I sometimes put up is really similar to what Holden Caulfield (Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger) is like: protecting himself hiding behind a wall if you will, “Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you’ll start missing everybody”. That’s where vulnerability kicks in. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I shouldn’t feel this way. Maybe vulnerability is just another word for trust or courage or stupidity. Maybe it’s a leap of faith. But it only gets harder and harder to overcome this fear of being hurt, for physical wounds heal and may leave a soon be forgotten scar, but emotional wounds rarely heal and leave an invisible scar that will never be forgotten.

Anyway, I gotta work tomorrow…It’s a damn Saturday…balls…

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